Which Of These Two Lies Do You Tell Yourself?
Almost all of us create our own daily suffering by telling ourselves one of the following two lies related to speaking our truth.
Which one do you most tell yourself ? –
Lie #1
This can be summed up by the belief system Don’t make waves . . . Keep peace at all costs . . .
If I say something, I’ll just make it worse.
If you have bought into this self-defeating belief system, you believe that if you just keep quiet, things will somehow work out on their own. The following words consciously or subconsciously have become your anthem:
“Don’t stir the hornet’s nest.”
“Just let sleeping dogs lie.”
“Don’t make waves.”
Over time, these quiet but dangerous niceties evolve into a subtle, unacknowledged, and yet simmering discontent — with the life you may be settling for . . . your significant other’s inability to completely meet your needs . . . your parents for somehow wounding you . . . and for not living up to your potential.
You may also somehow, in some subtle way, feel victimized . . .
in your relationships . . .
in your job . . .
by the government . . .
by the system.
Even if you are among the majority of the population who have bought into this idea of Not Making Waves and Not Stirring the Hornet’s Next, you may have a good job, financial security, and even have a reasonably good family life.
But somehow, you feel you are living a lie . . . a life of mediocrity . . . or that you have settled for second best in your personal and professional relationships . . . or even with your dreams.
No matter how broadly you smile and how well you hide this discontent from everyone else . . . you can’t hide it from yourself.
Your life is on a slow simmer.
And this is why you are silently suffering . . .
just as even some of the most powerful people in the world can shockingly feel inhibited and squashed when trying to Speak Their Truth —
Secretary of State Madeleine Albright
Listen to what this powerful lady confesses —
“It took me a long time
to develop a public voice . . .”
Lie #2
Lie #2 is the opposite of Lie #1.
Paradoxically, it still leads to the same silent suffering.
The Myth of the Straight Shooter
Lie #2 is that being a straight shooter is a good thing.
And what perpetuates this lie is the confusing fact that, it is good to express your thoughts and feelings. And sometimes it’s even appropriate to tell others ‘the way it is.’
But just like anything good, whether we’re talking about ice cream, chocolate, romance, sex or hard work, there is a perilous downside—too much of any good thing not only becomes addictive, it becomes destructive.
Being a habitual straight-shooter can lead to frustration, resentment, and confrontation. While we admire the person who steps forward and Tells It Like It Is, have you ever worked with or lived with someone who is such a typical straight-shooter? Your tendency with such people is to want to shoot straight back.
Watch this hilarious clip from the classic tv show Friends
to see how such straight-shooting often can result
literally in a shooting war —
In our personal relationships, we call such straight shooting nagging, niggling and nitpicking. And it’s simply no fun living with someone who nags, niggles or nitpicks.
Such dynamics usually end in either an unhappy and tension-filled relationship or . . . in divorce.
In business relationships, one word we use for such continual straight-shooting is micro-managing.
If you are a habitual straight-shooter, you have subconsciously bought into the philosophy that it is more important to be right than to be happy.
You may get others to back down, making you think you are right, but you will never experience true happiness or fulfillment in a relationship.
The reason is that, given 7.5 billion people on the planet, there are virtually 7.5 billion ways of viewing anything. Countless factors give each of us a different context . . . a different shade . . . a different perspective when viewing and responding to anything. These factors include:
- The country, region and even neighborhood you grew up in
- The language you speak
- How your parents raised you
- Your religion
- How passive or strong your parents were
- Who your friends were and who they are now
- Your educational level and focus
- Your career path
- Your socio-economic class
- Your hobbies
- The challenges you have been through
- The losses you have suffered
- The ease or struggle you went through with your finances
Also nearly infinite are the ways the 100 billion neurons that compose your brain can wire themselves into mind-boggling patterns and impossible-to-fathom associations from everything you experienced (and continue to experience!) through these endless personal filters.
So, if you equate Telling The Way It Is with Having Integrity, stop a moment and be honest. Ask yourself the following question:
How many of your family members and colleagues have suffered from you believing The Way It Is For You is The Way It Is For Them?